someday i'll look back on this and laugh|
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|Saturday, April 5th, 2008|
|Such a long while
It's been over a year since I have written anything in this. And what a year it has been. I guess I figured that it was stupid and juvenile to have to write on an internet journal to release my feelings, people talking about how bad things are and thinking that no one will understand, just like I used to. I would run to this to get things out because I knew that if I talked to someone they would not tell me what I wanted to hear. But this journal never said anything back, it just sat there and listened and let me type away until I had said everything that I needed to.
Things were bad for a while, then there were great, then they were bad again, then they were worse, and then they were ok. But then it was good and that good turned to bad, which made me realize that I can control this never ending spiral of up and down. I don't care about what's hapened in the past, sure I still think of it all the time, but I am not going to use it as an excuse to be sad anymore.
I have become more outgoing and I like it. I love this new confidence that I have found, maybe it was in me all the time, maybe not. But something caused me to open up and whatever it was I want to say thanks. I see that I never should have put up with half of the things I put up with and that I was definitely better than I thought.
I don't feel guilty for feeling like I am better, and I don't feel bad for making myself forget those people who have hurt me. I don't think I regret all the things I did, and if I had to take them back, I wouldn't, but I would change the way I felt about them. I wish I had found out how to be my own person sooner. But I don't need them now, just the dream that I am keeping alive and the confidence that one day I will make it happen.
And although my mind is constantly racing with thoughts and memories, good and bad, I feel at peace, probably more so than I ever have.
|Sunday, January 21st, 2007|
|Can you hear it
I've been having my doubts about everything lately. some days I think it's the day to quit and forget about everything. Maybe there is something more that I can find somewhere. Is it wrong to want more, want easy? After all this time, there is so much that I have given up and gained.
In 18 days I turn 18. The transition into adulthood. It won't really change that much, but the closer I get to 18 the closer I get to the complicated aspects of life. According to the average age of death I have already lived almost 1/5 of my life. That's 1/5 I will never get back. Was it a worthy 1/5. I experienced a lot, I loved, I lost, I cried, I laughed. I made friends and lost them.
It makes me wonder how the next 1/5 of my life is going to go? How is college going to end up? Will it make me lose all that I have now? Will I still have half of that? Less than half? It's scary thinking that over the course of maybe a year, I could lose every friend I have ever had. The friends that I have had since the third grade, and the people I have only known since last year. They all mean so much to me, I can't bare to lose them. I don't want to go to college and miss everything. And what if I really do go to school in Florida? Then I won't see anyone ever. But since I can't afford to fly home for every holiday, I doubt that is happening.
Still, I don't like the thought of it all. Current Mood: thoughtful
|Monday, January 8th, 2007|
Someday when we are wiser
When the world's older
When we have learned
I pray someday we may yet
Live to live and let live Current Mood: discontent
|Friday, December 29th, 2006|
Only a total of about 4 people ever read this. 2 are my best friends and whatever I don't get the chance to tell them they find out here, but I tell them everything even though they are away at college. One is a good friend of mine, but I don't talk to him that often, and he never really reads them, he only comes on once in a while. And the other one is a friend who lives a while away and we don't talk enough so he just finds out about my life on here, because I have stopped wanting to talk to him all the time. And I guess our relationship was so good for a while because I was trying to keep it that way. And now it's barely anything, now that I haven't been trying as hard. And the other friend has been trying to keep in touch with me and I haven't really made an effort, after all of that time that we spent together during the summer. Blasting BSB and getting laughed at by guys in the next car. Fantastic.
Maybe I should try harder to keep in touch with people. But sometimes it's not worth it. Sometimes I wonder whether we will still talk when high school is over. I'm not sure if it's worth all that trouble. I would love to keep in touch, but what if I can't?
Its easy to forget. But its easy to remember too.
|Wednesday, December 27th, 2006|
I knew I was right.
It's better than ever.
Practically perfect in every way.
That's amore. Current Mood: loved
|Thursday, December 21st, 2006|
Deal with it.
|Saturday, December 16th, 2006|
I miss the way things used to be.
I don't want to go to college. Current Mood: alone
|Sunday, December 10th, 2006|
|All the things I never said.
To everyone I never told these things to.
Did I ever tell you?
That I love you.
That I am afraid of you.
That I can't trust you all the time.
That you always let me down.
That you are my best friend.
That even when we fight, I want to be near you.
That the things you do to my friends piss me off.
That I hate when you try to force me to change.
That I almost changed.
That you make me feel bad about it.
That when I think about you, I feel sick.
That I called you a slut, and meant it.
That I wish I had never said it.
That I kept a secret from you all this time.
That you almost killed me.
That you made the pain go away.
Then you brought it back.
That I am sorry for all of the things I said about you.
That I am sorry we ever stopped being best friends.
That I miss you.
That no matter how far away you go, I will always be here for you.
That I would do anything for you.
That for one moment you made me the happiest I had ever been.
That I am who I want to be when I am around you.
That you make me want to be spontaneous.
That you make me want to see the world.
That I feel like I have known you forever.
That you make me feel better about myself.
That I loved dancing with you.
That I can tell you anything and know you won't judge me.
That I am glad you know what I am going through because you have been there before.
That I love how similar we are and how we go through everything together.
That I am glad I have you.
That I appreciate you coming to my aid at the last minute.
That I love how you care about how I feel.
That I completely love your craziness, even if it gets me in trouble.
That when we kissed my whole body went numb.
That when I called you crying you made me laugh and feel like it was no big deal.
That our movies are the makings of two soon to be famous girls.
That no matter what you do to me, I will always be here, just because.
That I wonder what life would be like if you never left home.
That I can't live without you.
That I want to.
That I'm not over it.
That I wish he had never hurt you.
That I wish you got what you deserve.
That I wish he knew how great you are.
That I wish you could see you are better than that.
That some days I wish I could just slap you.
That when I talk about you I want to cry.
That when I think about losing you, I want to die.
That when I think about how mad you make me, I want to hurt you.
That I don't know where this is going.
That's all I think. Current Mood: thoughtful
|Saturday, December 2nd, 2006|
I don't even know what's going on anymore.
I have no idea what I am doing. Current Mood: sore
|Monday, November 27th, 2006|
|In loving memory
Senior project stressing me out.
Blood drive on Wednesday, God I HATE blood!! I hope I don't puke on anyone.
Getting my wisdom teeth out on Thursday morning!
Gonna be totally hopped up on drugs on Friday...hopefully haha.
So much to do lately.
People pissing me off.
I need to get away from everyone and everything.
Kibel and I had a plan to go to New York and then fly to Italy for 3 days, if we did, we would be in New York preparing for Italy right now! Then tomorrow we would be spending the whole day in Italy then flying back to Boston and taking a limo back home.
If only it was real.
Some day I swear we will take a trip like that, but I know we are doing New York in February, partially for my birthday haha.
I miss summer, no stress, no worries, and no regrets. Never wrong and never unhappy.
Spending the night together. Laughing and finding new things to joke about. Reaching new places in life and love.
Being alone and being together. Living how I wanted.
Happiest day of my life.
Memories I will always have, no matter what, and no matter who comes along.
Loving it, loving you, loving life.
I miss those times. I could write about them forever.
Just to let me remember. Current Mood: remembering
|Wednesday, November 22nd, 2006|
Right now I just want to take my mother's car and drive somewhere. Blast a cd and drive for a long time and just sing and cry and be alone. I need some time, I need to go somewhere, I need to be alone, but I need somewhere to be with me.
I don't care anymore, I want to break the rules, I want to do what I want to do. I hate guilt.
I need spontaneity. I need laughter. I need to live.
It's like a song stuck in my head, once its there its not going anywhere.
When I think, I get sad. I either need to stop thinking, or think so much that I just think it away.
I need to go to a Zox concert with my best friends in the whole world. Like that night we went to Stonehouse and watched them from the front row, right on front of the stage and I stole the lead singer's water bottle and I ran up on stage and took 2 guitar picks. Why can't I be like that anymore? Why can't my daring, fun side come out all the time.
Why can't I just do things without worrying about the consequences all the time?
Everything looks perfect from far away... Current Mood: weird and upset
|Saturday, November 18th, 2006|
|Facing my demons
There's good and bad in everyone I guess
Maybe I have just overlooked it all
Maybe I lowered my expectations
I don't expect support
I don't expect perfection
I expect basics
I listened to reason
I believed it
I know they're right
I deny them
You don't see everything
Maybe that's enough to be seen
I'm used to disappointment
I see where I'm going
I know who I am
Who I am becoming
I go against my own advice
I don't face my fears
I wish I was more spontaneous
What's the point of worrying?
Have I made myself dependent?
Pain is too frequent
You're not the only one
I've been let down before
Once in a while
I still think of them
They never cease to let me know
How bad my decisions are
I try not to listen
They've let me down before
They've broken me down
And I let them
I never cared
How much they hurt me
I let it go
I shouldn't have
I never should have let them know how much they could hurt me
How dependent I was
Because then they knew they could do it all the time
They still see through me
I can't close myself up
There is always that small part of me wanting to stay open
Tell them how I feel
What I think
Maybe it's time I close that part up too
Failure Current Mood: discontent
|Sunday, November 12th, 2006|
The show went great, this past weekend has gone by so fast. So much has happened in such a short time. This is my last CBNA musical ever! When Mrs. Lent sent me a break a leg a gram saying that my talents would be missed I started to cry and Chris smacked me and told me to stop, then he hugged me haha.
I never thought that it would all be over this fast, this year is flying by and I can't seem to slow it down.
Why does it all seem to go away so quickly?
This weekend Emily and Liz had a car accident, they were hurt, but they are ok, it was probably one of the scariest moments when I heard what happened. And reading Emily's lj entry made me feel sick. I don't know what I would have done if I had lost them. I love them both more than I can say, they have always been there for me, and if something had happened to them when I wasn't there, I don't know what I would do. But what gets me the most is that they were taking Emily's hill fast, for fun, the way we had done so many times, just for laughs. No one knew that something like that could happen.
If I had lost either of you, I really don't know what I would do, I love you both so much, you are my best friends, and I am just so glad that you are both ok.
I can't believe how some things happen. Life is too unpredictable.
How many chances do we really get?
Have I wasted mine?
A little fall of rain
can hardly hurt me now
that's all I need to know Current Mood: blank
|Sunday, November 5th, 2006|
Show's in 4 days. Totally excited. Completely petrified.
Those magic changes
my heart arranges
a melody Current Mood: drained
|Friday, November 3rd, 2006|
I am going to make myself a better person.
No more judging.
And I am going to cut back on my swearing, my swearing came from Dan, Jeremiah, and Matt. And I am going to stop that because I don't swear.
Grease is in 6 days. 4 more rehearsals, I am so nervous. Today was our first time rehearsing with costumes, it was a rush.
Up until now the show has just been this thing I do after school, and now the gravity of the situation is coming through and reality is revealing how completely big and important it is!
Suddenly I see... Current Mood: tired
|Sunday, October 29th, 2006|
So I watched the Notebook last night, and balled my freakin eyes out. It was weird because the first time I watched it I didn't cry at all. But for some reason last night I just could not help but cry. Once the movie was over I laughed at myself for being such a girl.
Today is my day to spend up in Alton with some of my favorite people in the whole world. Laura is picking me up after work, then we are headed back to do a movie night at Kibel's. Haven't seen those kids in so long, can't wait.
If you like making love at midnight
In the dunes of a cape
I'm the love that you've looked for
Come with me and escape Current Mood: content
|Wednesday, October 25th, 2006|
|You ate what?
I took out my very first library book from school today, yeah pretty big deal.
Found out that my goth name is Leather Pleasure, oh yeah that's sexy.
Choreograped some more Grease. So exxxxxxxxxxcited!!
And I am totally about to go read my library book hahaha.
I spend my days
Just mooning Current Mood: good
|Sunday, October 22nd, 2006|
Today was great, I did nothing all day except laze around in my pajamas. Sundays kick ass!
Can't wait for Grease, it will be so great! The show is really coming together.
I miss Liz, Emily, James, and Andrew. I want them all to come home right now. I want us to all have a big party like the times when we all used to hang out and have fun together. So when they come home to see Grease that is what we are gonna do.
You disgust me. Current Mood: cold
|Tuesday, October 17th, 2006|
Honey why ya callin me so late?
It's really good to hear your voice
Saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Watch me stab this knife called lust into my chest until it burns.
You know all the right things to say
You say you dream of my face
But you don't like me
You just like the chase
I randomly started putting lyrics in this one because I kept switchong from song to song on iTunes. Then I realized they kinda fit together. So I kept them. Current Mood: swamped
|Saturday, October 14th, 2006|
I hate when I get in moods like this. I feel like everything I do is wrong. It's like every mistake I have ever made is blown up to about seven times the actual severity. I hate feeling like everything is my fault, I hate that I can never have anyone be mad at me. It's not fair that no matter what happens, I am always the one who feels bad.
I don't know why the hell I am so screwed up. I make Jeremiah mad so easily. I get mad at him and then I feel like I am a bad girlfriend. I hate fighting, because nothing ever gets solved. It just fades away to the back of the mind. I don't ever forget, I want to know what's wrong and how to make it better, I want to make things better.
I think I did horribly on SAT's this morning, so I am going to get into a college for retards. Looks like museum curator, director, and historian are out for me.
"Would you like fries with that?"
Kibel's sweatshirt makes me feel a little better, I wish you guys were here to make me feel better. I know you would. Handshake? Hug? I need them. Current Mood: devastated